January 2011
118 posts
“Me: I hate Mexicans.
Luis Alberto Rodriguez-Garcia: Me too.”
“It’s all about completing the sentence.”
– Myself
Bands.
Me: 3 Doors Down from what?
Lou: Misery.
“It could be anyone. It’s not you.”
“Don’t worry about it…. its warm and soft… then they rip your...”
– Liz, calming my fear of waxing my vag #pubetalk
Hockey
Lou: What are you up to this weekend?
Me: Nothing. Was gonna clean, gut my apartment then watch movies/conserve funds.
Lou: Oh. Good idea on the conserving funds part. I mean, Mardi Gras, Puerto Rico & South of France don't come cheap, you jet-setter you.
Me: I have big dreams. I hope they all come true!
Lou: Most of them anyway. I mean, a house made of Candy, Jaley? IT WOULD MELT IN THE RAIN!!
Me: I know you're right and I JUST DON'T CARE!
Lou: Whatever. Just don't expect me to crash on your chocolate sofa and not eat most of it.
Me: That thing wouldn't last a period in my house (does she mean period like in hockey?)
Lou: Hockey has periods? I guess that's slightly less weird than calling them trimesters.
Me: Well at the end of hockey there's always a bloody show #birthingjokes
Lou: Yeah! And they finish by getting slapped on the ass! And they have no teeth! And the stadium is filled with afterbirth! By which I mean obnoxious drunk white guys that should be disposed of immediately! Okay I'm done.
Me: #parallels
Dieting
BS: It's something that, this old, I would never do again. Eating only ice chips for a week? No way.
JV: So what I'm hearing is: Tongue piercing is a great diet.
Nightmares (1/28)
I’m a hotel receptionist. I check in a Handsome Man and a few other people for a deposition. Handsome Man asks me if I will attend via gchat. I lie and say I will and he leaves with his party upstairs. I tell my manager about the request, she tells me it’s for a guy that fell on glass in hotel we’re in and I can see it happen. Infuriated because they were going to use my to...
“When my husband died, because he was so famous and known for not being a...”
– Ann Druyan, on her late husband Carl Sagan.
(via fuckyeahexistentialism)
(via thiswasinevitable, savagemike)
And the sleep is no longer rest, it’s just...
Nightmare I just woke up from...
I’m a single mom. I take my kid to a Nickelodeon 3D movie, forget to get us the 3D glasses. I buy the kid a $5 pair from the vending machine but decide that’s too much money for me, they’re supposed to be free. I go to the counter to get them- they charge me 5 dollars. I forget my wallet at the counter and someone guts it, takes everything out of it but the change. I return to...
It just shouldn’t ever have to be this hard.
“I have a photo album of just sunsets. Over the oceans, mostly. Some seas, some...”
Generation Gaps
Radio guy: To the center.
Elevator guy: Okay.
RG: To the left.
EG: Okay, J-Lo.
Me: It's Beyonce.
EG: It is Beyonce.
Me: I gotchu, though.
If you want to use my body, go for it yeah.
“Well, sure, everything is bad if you *remember* it.”
– @smoothlou
“I get satisfaction from the facts.”
– So many facts.
“I haven’t been this happy in 3 months. And it feels really good....”
– #hashtag #realtalk
2 tags
“Situation: If he throws out my things without warning and almost immediately...”
– I enjoy being right.
“Didn’t you learn anything from me?! Exes don’t deserve furniture!...”
– smoothlou
There's a Cher song for every situation
Me: It's like, it wasn't just a table- it's the piece of the person that's gone. [Michael] got that table for his first solo apartment... He kept it for 7 years. It was as old as our friendship. But yeah, I'm keeping it together. It just really fucking hurts to have someone betray your trust like that. I didn't need to leave it [at Justin's] but I didn't want to leave him with no fucking table to eat off... My fail
Brit: Wow. You could have kept it at my house cuz I ain't got no table and I would have appreciated it and not thrown it out.
Me: If I could turn back time.
“I guess what I should have said is that after you spent an evening calling me...”
– When someone dumps you, get your stuff back before getting angry about it. Especially if it means anything to you- Like, say for instance, gifts from someone you love that moved far away. Also, try not to date complete assholes with no respect for women or things like “hearts” and...
“You think this album is self-indulgent because it’s different than his...”
– #thingsijustsaid
I have one standard response to 'period talk'
Jen: And I haven't had my period in a year...
Me: Ew. All that blood inside you?
Jen: I don't think that's how it works...
Me: Ew. All that OLD blood inside you?
Jen: I think it's that I haven't had a uterine lining to shed...
